The Twins are hoping this trade deadline will be a bear market–that is, a good market for shopping their bear.
It’s not often that a franchise will explore the idea of trading someone who has been with their organization for 24 seasons, especially when they find themselves in contention. But the Twins are dangling their longtime mascot, TC Bear, and apparently are feeling pressure to make a deal as soon as possible.
Sources close to the situation say that the club is concerned about their mascot’s performance this season, and they feel that the need for a new face is more pressing than any on-field changes. While TC has still shown flashes of above-average mascotry at various points throughout the season, he also had to go through a demotion to the minor leagues after a brutally slow start to his 2024 campaign.
“Look, TC has been a standout member of the Twins organization for years, and nothing is going to take away from that,” said Derek Falvey, as he finished cranking open a massive bear trap near Gate 34, placing a hot dog inside the razor-sharp mouth of the rusted contraption. “But the reality is, he doesn’t have the same hands as he used to, and it has affected his performance. And I’m not talking about his fielding ability. Like, he literally has different hands, and they are very off-putting.”
It should be noted that TC went through bear-bitration for the final time last winter, making this the club’s last chance to get any return via trade. The possibility remains that the team could choose to wait and tender him the qualifying offer over the offseason, but critics will be quick to point out that he hasn’t presented that much value in years.
“I’ve been saying for years that the Twins would be better off without that monster patrolling their beautiful stadium,” said Twins Daily’s mascot evaluator Greggory Masterson, through the steel-corded telephone of his prison visitation room. “TC just isn’t what he used to be. He’s not silly. He sure as hell ain’t willy-nilly. Now he’s just an old bear, and he sickens me.”
TC’s emergence as a trade candidate isn’t shocking, but the urgency with which the club has decided to sell him off has come seemingly out of nowhere. And it came at the surprise of the bear himself.
“So I guess this is how a 24-year partnership circles the drain,” said TC Bear. “Last week, I was telling my [friend] Crunch about how they were going to offer me a long-term deal. Next thing I know, they’re saying my Mascot Savant page is weak, and that they have a problem with my ‘personal hygiene’ – whatever that means.”
The last complaint has become such an issue that Twins players have requested that TC shoot free T-shirts off of the visitor’s dugout going forward, on account of the unbearable stench. The heavy, lead-lined suit has very little ventilation, and is now caked with 24 years of sweat–except in the hands, of course. While he isn’t a biohazard yet, speculation continues to swirl that TC is approaching maximal toxicity, both in terms of his physical presence and his penchant for workplace drama.
“He’s the worst thing I’ve ever smelt, and I shared a TV booth with Bert Blyleven for more than two decades,” said longtime play-by-play announcer Dick Bremer. “I’m gagging just thinking about it.”
It remains to be seen what the Twins could ultimately land in return when it comes to a mascot swap, but time appears to be of the essence. Sources around the league have confirmed to Twins Daily that Falvey sent out a fervent email to every general manager with the subject line ‘I need him gone. Now.’
Many speculated that this was going to be a bounty placed on the head of Masterson, but we have since confirmed it is in regard to the fuzziest, fan-friendliest bear in the league.
If TC is indeed moved, the Twins could look to replace him internally by promoting OzemPig of the St. Paul Saints, but they would have to wait for her to complete her latest round of court-mandated community service.