Seriously, Karim! My coffee shop and its hysterical cliques!

I write my columns at a coffee shop in Cranford called Track 5 Coffee. I know. You would think I sequester in a room with no windows to crank out these highly methodical columns full of critical thinking, esoteric nuances and analytical messages.

I hate to disappoint you, my dear reader, but in reality, I hang out at this chill coffee shop and write while trying to avoid the distractions all around.

It’s a cool joint – good coffee, a comfy vibe and people from all walks of life working, recreating, socializing, or ultimately wasting time every morning for no reason whatsoever. (See The Time Wasters below).

Yesterday, I decided to describe the regulars who frequent what I call My office.

Here it goes:

The Time Wasters

This is a group of five to six friends who sit on the comfy chairs and yack and yack for a good hour and a half to two hours every day! It blows my mind that they can sit there day after day and blow a good bit of time on yacking. And they all have jobs!! I try not to listen, and occasionally, I hear words like shenanigans, bamboozle, bodacious, gnarly and this one that cracked me up: Brouhaha!

The Zoom Guy

This is the guy who goes on a Zoom call in the middle of the coffee shop and talks loudly at the screen like he’s in the privacy of his own home. I look at these people, wanting to say, “Excuse me. Some of us are trying to get work done???” Or “Excuse me. Can you pipe down, buddy???” Although, the last one may cause a fistfight. We are in New Jersey, after all.

The Coffee Shop Squatter

I fall into this category: People who come here almost daily and get on their laptops for a couple of hours or 15! I never do more than two hours or so. Some people sit here all day. I guess the pandemic taught us that being around others is nice. I estimated what I spend yearly at the coffee shop, and the figure caused my eyebrows to go way up high. I need to buy stock in this place.

The Impatient Jersey Girl

I admire Jersey girls! They are confident and outspoken and waste no time telling you what they think. At the coffee shop, they zoom in and order in a hurry. Then, they eye the barista like, “C’mon, why is it taking so long?” Then they grab their coffee, no frilly drinks here, and run out like the world awaits their command. God forbid Wishy Woshy Order’er (Below) is infront of her. Jersey girl would probably trample him!

The Wishy Washy Order’er

This is the person who gets their turn to order and starts tapping on the counter while looking at the menu above and singing, “What am I in the mood for today?” In the meantime, the 54 people behind them in line are saying to themselves, “Seriously?”

Wishy Washy Order’er continues, “What’s an Americano?” The barista explains.

“Ahhh, I just don’t know. Let’s go with . . . What’s a Caramel Frappuccino? No no, that’s all wrong too. Oh my goodness.” They look back at the line of fuming people and smile, “Sorry, having a hard time deciding, ha ha ha.” I think coffee shops should hire some bouncers to keep the line moving.

The Coffee Aficionado

This is the one who gets to the counter then says loudly, like they want everyone to hear, “I’ll have an extra hot, sugar-free, half-caff, vanilla latte with one percent soy milk, organic if you have it, expresso shot on top, caramel drizzle, cinnamon, again, organic, and three Stevia’s.” Duuuuuuuuude!! What happened to just coffee? Recently, I heard this order: “Nonfat latte with extra whipped cream, extra chocolate, extra caramel.” Umm, Really?

The Mom Mob

I was going to name this group Soccer Moms, but The Mom Mob fits New Jersey better – wink wink! These are moms with two to three youngsters attached. They sit together and solve the world’s problems while their kids run wild, terrorizing the place. Once, a 3-year-old started wailing because mommy did not allow him to get a treat. He cried for a good 30 to 40 minutes while she held him and talked to her friend. Little ones can be tough, but how about meeting your friends where there are no writers late with their columns?

There are probably more coffee shop groups I missed. Email me if you think of any.

Until next week, enjoy your frappe with extra whipped cream, low-fat almond milk, nut-free nuts, sugar-free sugar, and milk made from hemp seeds that sat in the sun for days with someone nearby playing psychedelic tunes on their hipster flute.

Karim, Seriously!